Creating Space

On Monday I did something I rarely ever do. I began cleaning up my office at home and I started to weed through old files. I found receipts going back to 1993. Yikes.

I'm suddenly motivated because we're having a baby boy pretty soon. The room that will be the nursery currently doubles as a guest bedroom and an office for my beautiful wife. My cluttered office will need to be cleaned up to make room for my wife's computer, files, etc.

I don't like to de-clutter my life. It's an arduous process of making lots of little decisions on what to keep and what to throw away. I'd rather avoid the whole process but it does feel good after I'm done.

By physically creating space for our child, it feels like I'm taking another step in creating space in my heart for him.

Split Open

Another book I'm reading right now is "The Undertaking, Life Studies from the Dismal Trade" by Thomas Lynch.

Dismal would not describe this book. It is full of great quotes interesting stories from real life. He talks about life as the son of an undertaker and as an undertaker himself.

I'm squirming a bit with the book. He's touching on the subject of death.

As I have invested more and more in relationships I feel more and more vulnerable. What if my wife were to suddenly be gone? What if my soon to be born son were to have something happen? My heart feels split open when these questions cross my mind.

I am not dwelling on these questions. I have no control in this circumstance and must trust God.
Lynch's Mom would say, "Let go, let God" when it came to matters of life and death. I think I'll try that.

Too Tough to Read

I've got 3 books on my shelf that I once started to read but couldn't finish. The content pushed my buttons and I put it down.

Last week I finally picked up one of those books, "Healing the Shame that Binds You" by John Bradshaw. I put it down before because it hit too close to home. The content felt overwhelming because it was stirring up emotions I didn't know how to handle.

Reading it this week has not been overwhelming. It simply confirms much of what it took me years to admit about myself and my family system. Before I always got stuck in his detailed descriptions of the shame based family system in the first three chapters. Now, in chapter 4 he begins to talk about the road toward growth and healing. Ah...light at the end of the tunnel.

I am truly grateful to work at changing family patterns before our little guy arrives. The healthier I am, the better life he will have. I ask for the grace of God in this process.

The other books I've never finished: "Wounded Heart" by Dan Allender and "Ruthless Trust" by Brennan Manning.

Waiting

Flew home today from my Mom's place from a nice Thanksgiving visit with family and friends. There's one constant when you are flying, waiting.

Waiting: in the security line, in the boarding area, in the plane while it's being fixed, on the plane until we land, in the airport waiting for our lunch, in the boarding area again waiting for a connection, in baggage claim waiting for our bags.

Thankfully, we were in no hurry. I got a lot of good reading and writing done while I waited.

Leading in weakness

I really appreciate leaders who create an environment for others that allows them to be real. Vulnerability by the leader makes space for people to share those difficult parts of their lives. When the leader sets the tone this way people realize that they are not going to be "fixed" by the group or get talked down to for their problem.

I've had that unpleasant experience in a group setting where I shared a difficult part of my life only to have some know it all try to solve my problems. Their life might be a mess but they have all the answers for my life. Ugh! I really hate that.

Yet, it's challenging to stick your neck out there to test the waters even if you're the leader or the facilitator. It's a risk. I appreciated so how Mr. B. led at the Sunday potlucks. He'd share about depressions & joys, his marital victories & conflicts, parenting challenges and satisfactions. His life was open to us.

Funny thing is that when I am vulnerable, people are usually drawn to me. I always feel that people will be repelled by my brokenness so my first instinct is to stay quiet.

I want to be one who will help create space for others by leading in weakness.

Word Puzzler

Here's a little puzzler I heard on the radio. I'm terrible at these things but I still like them.

What two words am I describing?

The first word has 5 letters. 4 of the letters are vowels.
For the second word, take away 2 vowels and replace the consonant with the letter "C".

Clue: the second word is pronounced the same as the first word and the second word is also the name of the consonant replaced.

Creative Arts

Where does this recent interest in the creative arts such writing, music and painting originate for me? Part of it no doubt has come from hanging around people who value these things. Many thanks to those people - Captain Wow, Beerhorsts, God in Ruins & those crazy PickleOs (see their links to the right).

I read something this morning that puts another piece of the puzzle together for me. Quoting John Bradshaw, "...one of the major blocks to creativity was the feeling of knowing you are right. When we think we are absolutely right, we stop seeking new information. To be right is to be certain, and to be certain stops us from being curious. Curiosity and wonder are at the heart of all learning."

I haven't been a know it all and yet, I have often had a great deal of contempt for things I didn't understand. I stayed within the bounds of what was safe and known. Admitting that I don't know everything and that I'm not perfect says that I am limited.

Being limited opens the door to learning about things I once poured contempt upon.

Fruit Loops

Ah, I still remember how often my mean evil Mommy would not allow us such breakfast staples as Fruit Loops, Lucky Charms, Fruity Pebbles and Cocoa Puffs. She insisted on such boring cereals like Cheerios, Rice Crispies, Corn Chex and puffed wheat. You've got to put sugar on these cereals. Yuck!

But, for those who were desperate for the taste of Fruit Loops, you will appreciate the great lengths Micro went through to get his Fruit Loops. Take a look at this: http://www.azulinteractive.com/mfl/index1.shtml

The Alexander Technique

I heard of the Alexander Technique from my beautiful wife. This technique had helped take away the pain she was experiencing in her back while playing the flute. There was a discount sessions for this at the Marywood Center so I gave it a try.

The words that came to mind after the first session were: "fruit loops". It felt weird and relaxing but I couldn't see how it would help with my back issues. He didn't even talk about my back except this odd concept of lengthening my spine. But, I knew I was outside of my area of understanding so I took more sessions and have learned some things.

For example, I found that I walked leaning back a little too much. As a result, much my weight was hitting the floor through my heel. That's why I sound like Frankenstein tromping around the house. With a slight bit of a natural forward lean, my weight is absorbed by my knees, ankles and feet.

Learning to sit differently is still a challenge. I'm trying to sit with my hips upright instead of rocked back. When the hips are rocked back it creates a sag in the lower back. Eventually that can create back problems.

Sometimes that which feels like fruit loops is good for you.

Spell check

Have you ever done spell check on blogger for the word "blog"? It doesn't even have the word "blog" in the dictionary. It suggests the word "bloc" instead. So, I thought it might be fun to slightly misspell every third word in a couple sentences and use bloggers word suggestions. Here's the result:

One day rampage went to the sitter to buy some burette and some Jill. It seemed stipend to have grass cheese and garrisoned meat slurries to eat.

Then we derive over to the Harsher Heart Cafe to gurus ourselves on democrats. Our foment is the ice chrome in a whittle cone.

Then we wert home in our arithmetical. It was worm and cozy with the funnier cranked up.

Coordinately it was tame for bed. We changed into our Persians and hopped onto our mortars.

Window Dressing on Ugliness

Headless made a great comment on the 11/16/05 blog post. Those comments have caused me to reflect on these daily sayings or daily goals that I've been putting on my blog lately.

Ok, so today's goal is that I'm going to love people. Have you tried that one? I used to try that but would struggle loving people I didn't like and then feel guilty about it.

Yes, I do think daily sayings or goals have merit because they point me toward something that is good for other people. But, just saying these things every day without changing the patterns of my thinking, feelings & bodily habits is just window dressing on ugliness.

It's like taking one of those courses where you learn to ask people questions about themselves. But, you're just pretending to be interested in them so you can sell more or be better liked.

I must be in the process of an inner life transformation. This only works for me when God is deeply involved. Otherwise these daily sayings or goals turn into a vain attempt to cover-up the ugliness within.

Startled Sheep

"From another direction he felt the sensation of being a sheep startled by a flying saucer, but it was virtually indistinguishable from the feeling of being a sheep startled by anything else it ever encountered, for they were creatures who learned very little on their journey through life. He was surprised to find he could feel the sheep being startled by the sun that morning, and the morning before, and being startled by a clump of trees the day before that." Douglas Adam Ultimate Hitchhikers Guide to the Universe.

Hmm...God often refers to us as sheep. That's one thing I don't find startling.

www.freefoto.com

Letter to my Congressman

Here's the first part of a letter that I sent to my Congressman:

Dear Representative Vernon Ehlers,

Right now Congress is in the process of trying to hammer out some budget cuts to cover the costs of the hurricane rebuilding in New Orleans. I applaud Congress’s attempt to cover the extra costs with budget cuts.

Unfortunately, these cuts seem aimed at the poorest people in our society that can least afford the cuts. There are plenty of other areas that could be cut to make room for the hurricane rebuilding. Just look at the recent transportation, farm and energy bills. They were loaded with pork barrel spending.

The Republicans have done a good job at amassing a lot of federal debt. Debt is easy in the short run but a killer in the long run. During the short time that President Bush has been in office, he and the Congress have amassed huge deficits. The budget deficits have been huge not to mention the extra appropriations to cover the costs of the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq. I just heard that we are spending 12 billion a month in Iraq! Just 3-4 months of that cost would cover all the hurricane spending.

I used to call the Democrats tax and spend liberals. At least the Democrats took in enough money to cover their spending priorities. I have recently started calling the Republicans borrow and spend. We’re living on credit card debt. It will be my children and grandchildren who will pay the bill for the irresponsible actions of those in power during the past 5 years. The Republicans can’t blame the Democrats for this runaway deficit spending.

Prayer for Today

"O, Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved, as to love; for it is in giving that we receive, it is in pardoning that we are pardoned, and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life." Al-Anon Just for Today

The opportunity to be other-centered, or in other words, dying to me. It is process that leads to true life. A life devoted to the good of others. I'm guessing having a child will be another step in this process for me.

I think of the caterpillar giving up the cocoon in order to become a butterfly. Selflessness is beautiful.

Letting go

"Just for today I will adjust myself to what is and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will take my 'luck' as it comes, and fit myself to it." Al-Anon Just for Today

If I can abandon outcomes to God, then I am free to let the day unfold. It can become an adventure to see what will happen. I no longer have to control the circumstances and the people in my life.

I can be free to enjoy the day.

Happiness

Abraham Lincoln said, "Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be."

Choosing to be happy. Hmmmm...sounds simplistic. Yet, I have found that if spend time thinking about all the blessings I have and all the great relationships in my life, it brings a smile. On the other hand, when I am obsessed with all that I want (or think I need) and try to get everything to go my way, I am not happy.

Let's give it a try, I choose to be happy today.

Sweet Victory

Ahh...sweet victory finally came my way in the game of Knights and Cities. 3 of us played Friday night, most worthy opponents they were. I lost the first game but it was close. The second game, everything went my way and I won very quickly.

I have loved playing games since I was a kid. My brother and I would play lots of games together. I was 4 years older than him so I often had an advantage. We were both quite competitive so winning was very important. With my advantage I usually won, much to his chagrin.

Monopoly was one game that he could beat me at. That bothered me. Other times I'd let him win games just so he'd keep playing with me.

Let me see what games I can remember here: Monopoly, Yahtzee, Probe, Chinese Checkers, Checkers, Chess, Parchisi, Sorry, Stratego, Battleship and a myriad of card games.

Our family struggled to communicate and get along with each other. I think playing games created a space where we could enjoy spending time together.

Itsy Bitsy Spider

The itsy bitsy spider went up the coffee cup;
Down fell the spider into the coffee cup.
Drinking up the coffee, the spider passed away;
The itsy bitsy spider won't see another day.

Last week I was washing out my coffee cup in the morning and found a dead spider in an itsy bit of coffee in the bottom of my cup. If you're going to die this way, I guess Starbucks French Roast is the way to go.

Talking to the birds

"He learned to communicate with birds and discovered that their conversation was fantastically boring. It was all to do with wind speed, wingspans, power-to-weight ratios and a fair bit about berries. Unfortunately, he discovered, once you have learned to speak birdspeak you quickly come to realize that the air is full of it the whole time, just inane bird chatter. There is no getting away from it." Douglas Adams, Life, Universe and Everything

If you're quiet, even in the city, it's amazing how much bird chatter is out there. These are remarkable creatures that have learned to live amongst so well.

And, I have heard more than my fair share of inane human chatter. Words fill the air but it seems to only please the speaker. Real communication is a mutual sharing of thoughts, ideas, and feelings.

A win streak?

Talking with my beautiful wife, who I like to call Wonder Woman, I was reminded that I have had many winning streaks in the games of Knights and Cities and Settlers of Catan against her and others. We were talking about my post on 11/9/05 where I lament my current losing streak.

Why can I only seem to remember the losing streaks and not the winning streaks? Why is the negative so much easier to camp out on?

And once again, this is a picture of my life. I so easily remember the bad times, the harsh word, the failure or the things I don't have. Remembering the good is harder work. I have to stay at it to remember all the blessings I have. I have to work at remembering my strengths. Anyone relate??????????

Thankfully this battle for good has gotten progressively better in my life. One of the benefits of growing older is you have time with wade through your stuff to get to a better place.

I am now ready for a new winning streak to begin in the coveted game of Knights & Cities. If you are a consistent loser, please call me to play a game. I'm hungry for a winning streak.

Quoting Captainwow

"Sometimes we get ourselves so tangled up we can't get out. God loves us anyway and is patient. We can't help it and we can help it and we won't and we could and we couldn't and things aren't always either/or. They are both/and sometimes." Captainwow 9/17/03 (see the link to Captainwow on my side bar - read the full post - it's worth it)

Soon I will be a parent. Will I watch my child go through this process like I have?

Losing Streak

Woe is me. Oh woe is me. I am in a slump. I am doubting my skills. Do I have what it takes to win again at Knights & Cities?

For those of you uninitiated, Knights & Cities is an expanded version of Settlers of Catan. These are terribly addictive games. I only encourage people to play who like to have lots of fun for hours and hours. If you are not into fun, then, please, for your sake and mine, do not start playing these games.

It's a funny thing that just losing a few times at a game starts a process that can go in two directions. In the one direction I can evaluate the games I'm losing. Perhaps there some strategies that I could work on to help me be more successful. The other option is to make it about me. I can begin to doubt that I will ever win again. I can start to develop an inferiority complex or doubt my mental prowess.

But really, this is a picture of my life. When faced with challenges in my job or in relationships my choices are clear: will I work to improve or will I allow myself to wallow in doubt and insecurity?

So, today, I affirm that I will once again kick some butt in Knights & Cities. I'm looking for a beginner who's never played so that I can beat up on them in the game. This will be good for my ego. Anyone, anyone, anyone?

Choices

"...what we feel and think is (or can and should be) to a very large degree a matter of choice in competent adult persons, who will be very careful about what they allow their mind to dwell upon or what they allow themselves to feel." Dallas Willard, "Renovation of the Heart"

I must admit I would like to blame God, demons or others for my problems. But, I can't hide from the fact that many of my issues are the direct result of my own habitual patterns of thoughts and feelings.

Self-gratification

"The drive to self-gratification opens up into a life without boundaries where nothing it forbidden - if one can get away with it." Dallas Willard, "Renovation of the Heart"

Whenever I make myself the ultimate point of reference in the universe, my life gets really messed up.

There are no I's in we but there are 3 I's in narcissism.

Transformation

"If we - through well-directed and unrelenting action - effectually receive the grace of God in salvation and transformation, we certainly will be incrementally changed toward inward Christlikeness." Dallas Willard, "Renovation of the Heart."

Discovering Bob Dylan

I never cared anything about Bob Dylan. To me he looked stoned and sounded bad.

But then in September I caught a bit of a documentary about Bob Dylan that was playing on PBS. It was really well done.

I became interested in Bob Dylan as an artist. In his youthful days in the early 60's he seemed to be able to express himself very freely through his music. The music seemed to flow without him getting in the way. That was the feeling I had watching the documentary.

So, I picked up a CD from the library that has 30 songs of his. I was amazed at how many of these songs I knew. I never realized these were all his songs. He's had a lot of hits over the years. I really enjoy his style of music and his unique voice.

The style reminds me of my friend Rick Beerhorst's music. Perhaps Bob Dylan's music influenced him.

Being someone that's held back for much of his life, I'm very drawn toward people who can freely express themselves. I'm learning from them and growing.

Quotes

I love reading. I love pithy sayings. I like listening to people that have something to say.

I'd like to share with you some quotes over the coming days.

My first one is a political figure but that will the exception, not the rule.

John McCain was recently asked if he would accept a vice-presidential position on the 2008 Republican ticket. He said, "I spent all those years in a North Vietnamese prison camp, kept in the dark, fed scraps, why the hell would I want to do that all over again?"

Musical Layers

I listen to music differently.

I was in the car about a month ago listening to Simon & Garfunkle. I began to notice other sounds besides the voices. I began recognizing the guitar, the drums, the bass guitar, etc.

Before this I paid little attention to more than the vocals & the style.

Suddenly a new musical world has opened up. The layering of sounds captures me. I get lost listening. I have to pay attention when I'm driving because I'm so caught up in the sounds. I am filled with joy hearing creative sounds. My soul feels refreshed.

Who says you can't teach a middle-aged dog new tricks?