Mr Perfect
The power of shame is remarkable. Sane people can do the most insane things when driven by shame. People will throw away their lives to escape shame but of course throwing away their lives is exactly what they're afraid of. Shame creates fear. Shame creates a need to pretend and not be real about who we are.
Some shame is appropriate. If I do something bad, I feel ashamed of my behavior.
But, shame that is centered around a deeply held belief that I'm a bad or defective person, that's another thing.
Shame wants to cover up reality. The reality is that I'm a person who is limited. I have strengths and weaknesses. I can behave in good and bad ways. I sometimes make good choices, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I'm full of faith, other times I'm filled with fear.
Lately, I've been battling irrational fear at work. No matter how much I'd try to reason my way out of the fear it would hang around or just come back in a day or two. So, I talked to my mentor, Jim. He said the thing behind the fear is SHAME.
And then it clicked. Of course, I'm so afraid of making a mistake because I'm trying to keep up an appearance of being perfect. If I can be Ok with myself, then I don't have to play the part of Mr. Perfect. Instead I can lean back into the God of the Universe who's got my back.
The ongoing challenge is application of what I know...
Some shame is appropriate. If I do something bad, I feel ashamed of my behavior.
But, shame that is centered around a deeply held belief that I'm a bad or defective person, that's another thing.
Shame wants to cover up reality. The reality is that I'm a person who is limited. I have strengths and weaknesses. I can behave in good and bad ways. I sometimes make good choices, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I'm full of faith, other times I'm filled with fear.
Lately, I've been battling irrational fear at work. No matter how much I'd try to reason my way out of the fear it would hang around or just come back in a day or two. So, I talked to my mentor, Jim. He said the thing behind the fear is SHAME.
And then it clicked. Of course, I'm so afraid of making a mistake because I'm trying to keep up an appearance of being perfect. If I can be Ok with myself, then I don't have to play the part of Mr. Perfect. Instead I can lean back into the God of the Universe who's got my back.
The ongoing challenge is application of what I know...
posted by Kevmo at 8:15 PM
3 Comments:
The reality is that I'm a person who is limited.
I think that's such a profound truth.
Great post, Kevmo!
I only know you as Amazing Man from your wife's blog.
It's nice to finally see some of the personality behind the legend.
What a great couple you two make.
Take Care
Michael
The statement you wrote, that starts out "The reality is...", is a statement of humility, and not humiliation.
HUMILITY (aka, sanity) – Allows you to see the true importance of others and yourself.
1. Realistically evaluating one's strengths and weaknesses, priorities and abilities.
2. Not denying the truth, but being committed to the truth, and living up to the responsibilities it entails.
Whereas,
SHAME - Emotional arousal due to violation of external standards. It is the sense of exposure before someone. {Shame allows the community to join in the enforcement of moral behavior rather than leaving it exclusively in the hands of individual responsibility.}
HUMILIATION - The sense of exposure by someone. Someone else is imposing our condition of exposure in such a way as to make us feel defective.
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